The Secret

July 21, 2012 · 8:00 am

Hundreds, maybe even thousands of years ago, pretty close to the beginning of time, a pact was made.  This pact was sacred, never to be broken lest the whole universe implode.  The purpose of the pact was to protect The Secret (aka how people with children keep the house clean) from those who are not worthy of it.

Apparently I am not worthy.  But if anyone could just tell me what I need to do to be let in on the pact, that would be so awesome.  I would make you cookies.  Give you a massage.  Create a direct deposit of all the money in my bank account into yours.

I had been doing pretty well there for a while.  Then we went on vacation and immediately upon our return got the stomach flu.  So there’s that.  I feel like I keep walking into my kitchen and seeing the piles of dishes, and thinking to myself, “But I just did the dishes!”  And then I realize that it was actually a couple days ago. So there’s that.

So I’ve been feeling a lot like this lately:

“What did you do all day?”

At least when I first looked at the picture, I thought it captured my feelings quite well.  But the more I look at it, I have to reconsider.  I mean, holy moly, that is a clean kitchen.  The wood is literally shining.  There aren’t even streams of dried yogurt decorating the table.  Check out the well-stocked bowl of un-rotten fruit. The jello neatly stacked in the fridge.  This woman baked a cake. And does her shirt match her pants?  I take it back.  This woman is obviously in on The Secret.  I now feel both the compulsion to jealously despise her and grovel at her feet for information.

So, if you are one of the chosen who is in on the pact and knows The Secret, I am begging you here. Anything, up to half of my my whole kingdom for The Secret.  (Okay, so technically, I’m not the king of anything, but I think you understand my point.)

What’s that you say? Time management and self discipline?  Oh.  Well can anyone tell me the secret to how you can improve your time management and self discipline?  Up to half of my kingdom.  Seriously.

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