Dear Corporate Sock-Makers: I’m On To You

July 24, 2014 · 7:45 am

Dear Corporate Sock-Making Entities,

I’d like to start by introducing myself.  I’m one of the thirteen kazillion moms who spent a solid thirty minutes sorting through unmatched socks yesterday, and I’d just like to say: I’m on to you.

Several months ago, as I browsed through the isles of the clothing department, and later through endless pages of children’s socks on Amazon, I thought to myself,  How unfortunate that I can’t find a pack of solid white socks that are all the same.  You see, this is all we lowly consumer are really asking of you: to be able to buy sets of socks for our children that are all the same.

Dear Corporate Sock-Makers: I'm On To You

The tip of the iceberg.

Why, you ask?  Why do we scorn your snazzy blue-and-purple-striped-and-polka-dotted-no-two-pairs-alike packs of socks?  Because of a little social phenomenon known as matching.  You see, society has dictated (did you have a part in this?) that one must wear a pair of socks that complements the rest of an one’s clothing.  This means that the lime-green, fuzzy toe socks that are the only socks left on the rack in my daughter’s size must not be worn together with her yellow-shorts-and-pink-tutu outfit. It also means that those adorable little socks that have both polka-dots and stripes match exactly zero outfits in this universe.

To make matters worse, society also dictates (and I know your lobbyists have heavily influenced this) that one must wear a pair of identical socks.  This means that when I buy a pack of six pairs of solid white socks for my son, I cannot mix and match them, because the artistic savants at your company decided to put one stripe at the top of some of the socks, two stripes at the top of others, and no stripes on the rest.  Additionally, some of the stripes are blue and some are grey, some are thin, and some are wide.

At first, I thought this was just a sad coincidence.  But yesterday, as I sorted yet another load of laundry only to find that the dryer-voodoo had caused exactly one half of each pair of 99% of the socks to vanish, I realized that this is actually a huge conspiracy.  Because while I still have enough socks left to create a sock-monkey army large enough to take on the unsullied, every last one of them has lost its match.

I will not let your devious shenanigans lure me back into Walmart to buy another “set” of six unique pairs of socks with neon-rainbow smiley faces.  If you want to play dirty, then lets play dirty.  I will raise my children to be crusaders against the tyranny of the sock market, and if that means wearing lime-green stripes together with pink polka-dots, then so be it.  I am not above sending my husband to work in one black sock and one navy sock. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.  Your days of controlling this household are at an end.



3 Thoughts on “Dear Corporate Sock-Makers: I’m On To You

  1. An amazing piece of writing!!! And so true — I also have a ‘single sock’ drawer and get so excited when once in a while I actually find matches. <:)

  2. Greta B. on July 25, 2014 at 3:00 pm said:

    Nice writing, Esther. And while I’m not big on conspiracy theories in general, it does seem likely to me that people who buy socks-in-variety also buy more socks. Thus, if I were a sock-making company, I would only sell variety socks. Individualization meets consumer culture aaaand, voila! Armies of mis-stripped sock monkeys.

  3. raineyva on September 7, 2014 at 8:36 pm said:

    I know where the matches to your socks are hiding! They are chilling out with the missing goggles!

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